In our home, Thanksgiving is the first day of Christmas. And I, Cooper David Aaker Smith, have been enlisted to write the letter. Here’s the sum-up:
- Last Christmas, Téa Sloane broke her leg sledding. This fall, she broke her leg again (same leg) at home just being her. That was fun.Repeated fractures haven’t slowed her down though. During retail therapy, for instance, Téa Sloane has been known to look in the mirror, put her hands on her hips and say, “You look great, baby!”
- We’ve replaced “I don’t like” with “I presently struggle with.” Like “I presently struggle with broccoli.” I find vegetables generally struggly.
- We started working out in the garage with mom and dad (P90X). We do yoga tree poses and lift weights. At least one girl is attracted to me for my “big daddy-guns.” So I’ve got that going for me.
- We’re into educational TV, Dragnet, for example. Here’s how it’s educational: 1) The show always starts with Sergeant Friday introducing his partner, then his boss, then himself. That’s just polite. 2) They wear pressed suits and tight neckties all the time. That’s church clothes 24-7. 3) If you need backup to make a bust at a flophouse, you either have to find a pay phone or ask the perp if you could use his phone and he always acquiesces. Sharing!
My parents are doing great. We are actively helping them write a book (you’re welcome, mom and dad). They also spend much of their time in search for what they like to call ‘teaching moments’ for us. Here is a sample “teaching moment” involving the role of money in life.
Mom: “Do you think that money brings you happiness?”
Devon: (happy to know the answer to this one), “Yes! Yes! It does!”
Mom: “No, in fact it doesn’t. Money shouldn’t be your goal. And we don’t talk about money with others. Now what does makes you happy?”
Devon (starting to question himself): “Trophies?”
Mom: “Nooooo. Actually trophies don’t make you happy. Family and friends make you happy. Helping others make you happy. And if you have money you have a responsibility to help others who have less. So let’s review, do we ever talk about money or trophies or our home or things?”
Me: (I’m happy to know the answer): “Yes! I really like our home!”
Mom: Nooooooo….
[Here Sandra (our aupair) interjects, taking a second pass at a different angle.]
Sandra: “Ok, If I had a lot of money to buy ice cream. How would you feel?”
Devon: “Happy for you! You got ice cream! That is great!”
Me: [silence]
Sandra: [trying again]: “Ok, if I had lots of money for ice cream and you didn’t have any money so you couldn’t get any ice cream, how would you feel?”
Devon: “I am really happy for you! You got ice cream!”
Me: “Now I am sad.”
Devon: “I am happy for you!”
Me: “I am VERY sad.”
So that is how things work out here. I don’t recommend “teaching moments.” They are rather like “family meetings” – good only in theory.
A highlight of the year: Disneyland! Two thumbs up. Really. It’s up there with Cinnamon Toast Crunch® cereal. We prepared for the trip for weeks, filling our jean pockets with cookies for sustenance, and brushing up on our Disneyland history. On arrival though, we found parking to be painful, the tickets expensive (enough to feed a small village or buy an IKEA bedroom set) and the lines long. On the upside, my dad found an iPhone app with GPS-driven map, ranked attraction checklist and crowdsourced wait-time guide to get us around the park strategically, optimizing our fun while minimizing lines. Unfortunately, between the display, the 3G radio and the GPS, the iPhone died in under 30 minutes. Necessity forced us to try something arguably better – a cleverly color-coded, conveniently foldable, pocket-sized tool. It’s called a map. It’s provided by Disneyland. Amazingly it’s free (the only free thing at Disneyland). So that was fortuitous. But then Téa Sloane got hungry (“I HUNGRY!”), saw an apple and stole it. By the time we discovered her theft (because she handed the core back to us for disposal), we were too far away from the victimized fruit stand. Lost “teaching moment.” Regaining our momentum, we then decided to check out the Haunted House.
About 45 minutes later (Disneyland excels at line-length deception), we step inside and Devon, instead of embracing the hauntedness, analyzes the technology that creates the ghosts (“holograms!”). That put a damper on the mystique. On the way out, we met Sandra and Téa Sloane outside, where Sandra was shaking from heatstroke (warmer than Sweden, Anaheim is). Being a “doctor,” my mom recommended she eat some grapes. Seconds later, Sandra’s body decided to put the grapes in reverse. We left with Sandra to find a place with less bad advice and fewer spectators. She slept the entire car ride home, and we were required to be silent for the whole time. So it ended up on an upnote. We can’t wait to go back.
This fall, we turned our attention to career development – mapping our interests, skills and areas requiring improvement against our goals. I see myself becoming doctor-turned-cartoonist-turned-piano-player. Or a money-makin’ businessman focused on selling dessert. (I believe business is about selling and selling requires authentic passion. And I’m authentically passionate about dessert). I’m also a big believer in TV. I can smell it when there’s a TV on. My nose twitches. Perhaps I’ll do a mashup of all of these together to develop the business that addresses the demise of today’s broadcast media.
Devon wants to create homes for homeless people (he figures at least 10 can fit in his room), become an alien, or a scientist because he enjoys generating flowcharts (scroll to the end for a taste), hypotheses and Laws. For example, I’m sure you’re familiar with Metcalfe’s Law – basically any set of connections becomes more valuable in proportion to the square of the number of its nodes. Lesser-known, Devon’s Law applies to our family doing anything. A sort of inverse network effect – difficulty (as measured by number of attempts, raised voices and total time consumed) is proportional to the square of the number family members involved. In this year’s Christmas photo for instance, the stats: 7 sittings, 4 locations, 3 photographers, 248 exposures, 23 tears, 17 stern voices, 201 pictures of Devon making a silly face, 147 pictures of me with (what was judged to be) an insincere smile, 94 pictures of Dad looking uncomfortable or ticked-off, 79 of Téa Sloane covering her face with her hands for fun, 248 pictures of Mommy looking beautiful and 1 hour of my Dad Photoshopping together a passable Frankenphoto.
When she grows up, Téa Sloane wants to be a princess mommy who wears a crown all the time, even while sleeping (potential husbands and crown-makers, consider yourself on notice: this is non-negotiable). Though now she is 100% certain this is what she will become, she was previously 100% certain she would be:
- A professional pink cast fashion designer
- President of the United States (who successfully passes laws mandating fashionable pink casts)
- An operations manager because of her highly developed sense of urgency.
Things should be done yesterday. YESTERDAY. But certainty doesn’t obviate a backup plan — which is to become a singer/songwriter who shuns planned performances, spontaneously breaking out in song wherever, whenever. Like Twitter, however, monetization could prove difficult. Her stage name would be EAT (an alternative but, to her, equally preferred spelling of Téa). Her original song lyrics are sung confidently, off-key and loud: “My momMAA! Her name is Jennifer! Aaker! Her is my best girl! And I like her! My momMAA!” Téa Sloane also enjoys singing Happy Birthday in lieu of complementing someone. For example, if Devon tells her that her hair looks nice, she will respond with: “Happy Birthday to Devon, Happy Birthday to YOU!”Here’s to princesses, aliens, money-makin’ businessmen, a reduction in teaching moments and many happy birthdays to YOU in the New Year!
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Bonus infographic: Devon’s Quick Reference for Sticky Situations [double-click to zoom]